It's catching up.

Over the course of a typical Sunday I think I go through two to three hundred drastic emotional swings. There is the shear pain of getting out of bed at 6:00 in the morning after working dinner. There's the euphoria of the first dose of caffeine (which after not drinking coffee for a decade I've come to rely upon again). At least once in a morning I think about just giving it all up, just too damn tired. There's occasionally frustration, boredom, adrenaline, joy, resolve, etc. All these swings from breakfast through till dinner. I've noticed focus lapsing. Dropping things more often. Making mistakes on orders. It's been almost two years working two jobs. Over the last six months I've been averaging a day off every nine days, that includes a week trip to New York. All of this adds up and it shows on the longest day of the week, Sunday. It's the third double in a row, I've usually only had ten to fifteen hours of sleep in the previous 48, and it starts to show. I know this falls into my 'whiny little teacup' category but it does add up. Fatigue sucks. Learning to deal with it and maintain focus/professionalism/consistency is a real chore. When things start to get busy, tickets are rolling in, you start to think about the short cuts that could make things go quicker, the short cuts that could just get shit done. Unfortunately those short cuts also compromise the potential quality of the final product. You have to constantly remind yourself to be patient and do things right. But the fatigue is still there weighing you down, slowing you mentally, and physically. Impairing your ability to deal with stress, reducing you to reptile responses. Anyone bringing more work is the enemy. Customers requiring modifications are life threatening. Anything that unsettles the delicate balance is danger. Lately though things have changed. I've finally been broken. Broken and resolved to simply working. The fatigue in some ways has won. I no longer rail against it. I accept it. I have learned to trust myself more. I'm competent enough. I know I can get the job done and the fatigue caused stress is simply that, manufactured stress. I have no choice but to simply be tired and get the job done.