Will I make it: or, so you think you can be a chef, huh?

A little Obsessive Compulive, a little paranoid, a little anal retentive, a little insecure, a little competative, a little bit of a control freak, a little bit of arrogance. It's odd that traits the rest of the world vilifies, traits that most wouldn't confess to, traits that have spawned an entire pharmacopia, are the traits that can make someone a successful chef. Cooks are on an Island. When they send a plate out there is noone else responsible for the quality of that plate but themselves. Hypothetically it's the Chef who is ultimately responsible, (they hired the cook, they trained the cook, their name is on the menu), but in the real world things get busy, and trust becomes paramount. The chef needs to trust a cook to execute properly. In order to execute properly every time, without fail, a cook needs to be aware, excrutiatingly aware. This awareness, this intimacy, magnifies even the most minute flaw or deviation. No matter wether you're flipping burgers or searing foie gras, ultimately your actions, your work, determines wether the food is received well or not. Of course there are always the cranks that couldn't tell cardboard from Cotes de Bouef, they don't count. The vast majority of customers, however, can and do count. And they are the true measure of your success. It's this relentless awareness, driven by paranoia, insecurity, and plain old fear that fuel the fires. What about passion? What about love of food? I suppose that's the positive spin. Almost no one in their right mind would consider a career cooking if they weren't passionate about food. Being in love has some serious baggage that comes with it though. Insecurity, and scrutiny eventually give way to confidence and understanding. With food and cooking this process of synthesis is a long journey. To truly understand technique (moreover food itself) you have to struggle. Struggle to master the techniques and understand the medium, not only of cooking, but of the industry as well. It is this struggle that takes the toll on so many. Those who thought it would be easier. Many realize that for them, it's just not worth it. Everyday I ask myself if it's worth it. Everyday I answer myself, 'it makes me happy. It's worth it'. I'm tired. I ache. I question my abilities everyday. Always wondering. Am I quick enough? Am I accurate enough? Are my senses polished? Am I learning enough? Am I pushing myself hard enough? Am I too old for this shit? If I wasn't questioning these things I believe I'd be too comfortable. When one is comfortable it's too easy to take shortcuts, forget the details. I suppose settling is my fear. What these insecurities really add up to. Settling. Many will settle. I'm looking forward to the day when my insecurities and fears become confidence and understanding. It won't be settling but resolution, fully understanding what I have learned and what I have yet to learn.