I don't care who you are. Absolutely everyone in this country knows who the undisputed king of chicken is. The Col. KFC. Jefe de Pollo. Grand master of chicken disaster. Apparently these uppity burger chains (McD's, Wendys and most recently the Burger King) forgot who the boss is. Like some two bit wise guy they've been crowdin' the Colonels business. McD's, Wendys, and The King have had the audacity to think that they can actually produce and market a chicken product when the Col. is on watch. Sure McD's gave us the McNugget 23 years ago, but I don't think anyone ever confused it for chicken. Mcnugget is as much a euphamism for poultry as a tube steak is for a hot dog. Undesirable chunks of meat, processed and held together by stabilizers. Like my Pop used to say, 'lips and assholes'. My friend Ryan, while eating some tasty nuggets, pulled some nasty grisly gelatin out of his mouth and used that same line, 'lips and assholes'. He followed it up with 'and chickens don't have lips'. So, safe to say the Col. was never intimidated. He has the Original recipe locked away in a vault, he has the extra crispy, he has real pieces of chicken really on their real bones. Soooo when the big three burger pushers started honing in on his real chicken market with their all breast, breaded, strips, what is the Col. supposed to do. The Col. did what we expect him to do. He went back to the canvas, pulled out his pallet and brush and delivered another chicken masterpiece. Breaded chicken, big fucking deal, nice try McD's, way to go Wendy's, stick to burgers King. The Col has brought out the big guns. There isn't just one type of breaded chicken, not two types, not even three types, but Four flavorful, fingerlickin' shove 'em down your throat one after the other styles. Breaded chicken wings with bones, a classic, the Col' keepin' true to his roots. Breaded chicken wings without bones! Holy shit! All this time I've been screwing around with bones, risking a perforated esophagus on those splintery little bastards. Strips of chicken, another classic, sure to be all breast meat, the ladies will love these. Finally the ever popular Popcorn Chicken. Damn their fun, just like popcorn but meat! Kids can't get enough of those little golden brown puffs. This already is a huge slap down to the burger bitches and their weak ass chicken, but the Col. is out to make a point. When the Col. makes a point the competition will remember. In adidtion to these awesome individual snacking gems, the Col. is throwing in three sauces. You may say 'sure everybody has little packages of sauce'. No, these aren't little packages. The Col. dips them himself, like Thetis dipped Achilles in the river Styx. No more fucking around trying to get that aluminum, tear way too easy, lid off the honey bacon ranch. The Col knows you're in a hurry and you've got to get your face full and get back to work pronto. Who knows chicken? Goddam right, The COl. knows chicken. Who cares about the people eating the chicken? The Col. does. With four different finger lickin' chicken morsels and three sauces, that's like 400 different combination. Take that burger hacks. Don't waste your time at the drawing board unless it's covered in beef.
