FUCKING BURN DUDE!

Ok, so there are cooks who like to wear their scars like proud battle wounds. In reality it's more like a seven year old running to mommy for a band aid. The shock drives one towards comfort and consolation, towards attention. So these badges of labor are sported as big red fucking signs screaming out for 'mommy kisses'. That being said. I burned the shit out of myself. It's significant in that it's the largest burn I've received, not the most acute. Really not any worse than a bad sunburn, but still impressive in surface area. Regardless i am still open to any sympathy, coddling and or 'mommy kisses'. (Note that 'mommy kisses' is in quotes. Actual mommies are not required, it is simply the spirit of the action that is important.)

Paranoia( Who are these bloggers and why are they talking about ME!)

Ok , so no one is talking about me personally; however when buzz is generated about the place I work it tends to get personal. It's hard not to scour food blogs looking for mention of your work. This is wholly irrational. We know what we're doing. We've developed a strong and knowledgeable clientele. We continue to grow the business. But more importantly one understands that Not everyone can be pleased with what your doing. On a daily basis one occasionally hears compliments come through the window, or servers passing along tables affections. And so we go, in our insular work. However things have changed. The magnifying glass has been raised. The expression of dissatisfaction and disagreement online has become de rigueur. This is not the issue. What it has done, for those who allow themselves to become caught up in it, is given those providing the food a point of fixation, is the issue. For those who are perfectionists, attention hounds, or simply paranoid now get almost immediate response to the performance on any given evening. Like a Sunday football analyst, few have actually done, but all are experts. It is a difficult thing to step back from. While very few are actually represented by the blogging nation their impact is wide. They're opinions are available to millions, including to those who are being critiqued. I have no problem with this. It is just damn hard sometime to not pay attention. To just focus on what you're doing and do it, the right way. The way you've been doing it all along. The way that got you where your at. You can't please all the people all the time. But damn if it isn't tempting to try.

Cabin Fever

I got my two days of, in a row, back to back. Now I'm going nuts! And of course I find myself cooking. Mother Nature dumped a whopping 2 inches of snow on us and of course P-town shuts down. That gave me a surprise second day off, which I have successfully frittered away. I've meant to post, but what is there to say? Without work I some to a stand still. Quite the opposite of the life I used to live. A life that work always interfered with. I'm also how amazed at how unprepared I am for time off. I have no food in the house. I had to strap the chains on or starve. It's a testament to the life I live. I eat at work. I work alot. Therefore I don't need that much food. My meals at home are largely salads, soups, and sandwiches. Virtually no breakfast items save for some instant oatmeal, and some shitty cereal bars. It's funny how I went from a foodie to a 'bachelor' cook. If I've got sardines mustard and rye bread I'm happy. A nice piece of cheese and an apple are the most I may eat at home in a day. I am becoming malnourished and my veins are surely plaqued with the by products of my industry. Here I am, a cook, a provider of food and sustenance, yet I am wholly incapable of feeding myself anything other than tortilla chips and hummus at home. That's fucked up. Time for a little dietary realignment.

It's catching up.

Over the course of a typical Sunday I think I go through two to three hundred drastic emotional swings. There is the shear pain of getting out of bed at 6:00 in the morning after working dinner. There's the euphoria of the first dose of caffeine (which after not drinking coffee for a decade I've come to rely upon again). At least once in a morning I think about just giving it all up, just too damn tired. There's occasionally frustration, boredom, adrenaline, joy, resolve, etc. All these swings from breakfast through till dinner. I've noticed focus lapsing. Dropping things more often. Making mistakes on orders. It's been almost two years working two jobs. Over the last six months I've been averaging a day off every nine days, that includes a week trip to New York. All of this adds up and it shows on the longest day of the week, Sunday. It's the third double in a row, I've usually only had ten to fifteen hours of sleep in the previous 48, and it starts to show. I know this falls into my 'whiny little teacup' category but it does add up. Fatigue sucks. Learning to deal with it and maintain focus/professionalism/consistency is a real chore. When things start to get busy, tickets are rolling in, you start to think about the short cuts that could make things go quicker, the short cuts that could just get shit done. Unfortunately those short cuts also compromise the potential quality of the final product. You have to constantly remind yourself to be patient and do things right. But the fatigue is still there weighing you down, slowing you mentally, and physically. Impairing your ability to deal with stress, reducing you to reptile responses. Anyone bringing more work is the enemy. Customers requiring modifications are life threatening. Anything that unsettles the delicate balance is danger. Lately though things have changed. I've finally been broken. Broken and resolved to simply working. The fatigue in some ways has won. I no longer rail against it. I accept it. I have learned to trust myself more. I'm competent enough. I know I can get the job done and the fatigue caused stress is simply that, manufactured stress. I have no choice but to simply be tired and get the job done.

Ok, so where to now?

New year. Finally getting some much needed schedule relief. I'll actually be getting two days off a week. Granted they aren't going to be next to each other, but I ain't complaining, yet. It'll be a little hit to the pocketbook, but that's familiar territory. I'm pretty streamlined and will still be working enough to curb any extracurricular spending. Tentatively going to Piedmont at the end of the summer. Will need to save for that, but will be well worth it. First trip to Europe. First real exposure to the Old World. Hopefully make the necessary arrangements for an apprenticeship in 2008. Despite all of those short term goals there is still the big question for the future. Exactly what the fuck am I doing? Will I be an Italian chef for the rest of my life? Will I be an owner? Small properties? Will I get sick of it all and start selling wine? Still not sure. I know I'm on a path. A path I enjoy, doing something I enjoy. I am myself, and I'm pretty sure that I'm pretty good at what I do. I've still only been at this for five years and the results I expect from myself are higher than my experience level. Regardless I still get hit with the fear sometime. Is this just a youthful pursuit? Am I going to be were I want to be when I'm forty? When my knees and back start to go, am I still going to be working on the line? What happens if I get sick? I have chosen a path that is fully enjoyable now, could be highly rewarding in the future, but is strewn with financial and logistical obstacles. Which always leads to the question "Why does anyone in their right mind do this?" Are we all crazy? Are we all egotists that think we are the ones that will survive? At this point it is a point of pride. A challenge. I don't want to give up. If I quit this I am giving up on my ability to do anything unique, or special. It is an ego driven pursuit. Powered by pride and competitiveness. And it's all spawned from the fact that I love food, real food. I believe in food and the philosophy that true food comes from. There is a sick sort of righteousness, a belief, a religion to what I see myself doing. Killer, now I'm harboring messianic delusions. It is simply that I believe that food should be good. Food should be created by those who believe in making good food end of story. Not those who are looking to trademark, or brand, or those passing themselves off as 'artists' or 'rock-stars'. Just food. I just want to make food.